The Fruits of Irritation

Saturday, October 08, 2011

Yesterday, I received an e-mail from a person demanding I take action on something she could fix with a phone call.  It really irritated me – in fact, I was a little angry.  Last week, I received a similar e-mail which commanded me to remove someone from a position so she could have it!  Her communication ended with “Do you hear me!”  Over the last 18 months, I have had many a comparable experience and my initial reaction has been pretty much the same.  Granted, I have responded professionally but my irritation with “entitlement,” unrealistic demands and “ordering” has not dissipated.

As I contemplated my irritation, I came to realize that my anger is really with myself for acting outside of integrity.  First, I truly believe in self-empowerment.  I know that each person has the ability and wherewithal to speak with their own voice and stand in their own power.  I desire to support this.  This doesn’t tend to come about when I speak for them when they are quite capable of expressing themselves and their needs – or when I try to make something out of nothing for someone when the emperor truly has no clothes!  Much of my internal struggle within my current job has been due to the disparity between the apparent job description and my belief system.  Evidently, my job description (for some) has become synonymous with rescuer, caretaker and “thug-on-demand” which don’t seem to support empowerment.  My belief regarding empowerment doesn’t mean I can’t or won’t assist others, however, I desire my actions to be determined by my Higher Guidance.  Therefore, when I go ahead and assist as demanded – regardless of my own guidance – I feel I am out of integrity.  This is where the anger is rooted.

I also came to the recognition that one of the gifts of this job has been the awareness that I no longer feel the need to be “needed” or to “rescue.”  I realize that perhaps at some level, being needed or rescuing provided me with a purpose.  However, I now see that this need - which gave me a sense of purpose - capitalizes on the weaknesses of others.  As long as others are needy and I can do something for them, I am important. 

Writing this down has brought me the additional reminder that empowerment is my desire.  This doesn’t mean it’s everyone else’s.  I don’t have the right to choose empowerment for others or force it upon them.  However, it seems to be a passion which I can’t help advocating! 

Through this internal dialogue, I now understand why I was attracted to my current position and why I’m leaving it.  It has brought to light insights regarding a core belief system (responsibility for the well being of others) as well as an outgrown need to be needed.  For these recognitions, I am grateful.  I also give thanks to those who assisted by playing their part!  Without them, these “aha’s” and releases would not have been possible.

Much love,

Karrie